the continuing saga of proefkonijn.

When the Moop returnethd, I must tell you, within 5 minutes of coming upstairs, she had uttered four of the sweetest words I have ever heard in my adult life, TWICE: "The place looks great."

I am not a born cleaner. I am a born messer-upper. The Moop has the weirder blessing/curse of being both. And yet, after one whole day, the apartment still looks pretty great.

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Skeleton walks into a bar and says "Gimme a beer and a mop." Smithsonian has a pretty interesting piece by Steve Martin about technique and comedy. I'm completely turned off by how self-congratulatory he sounds (especially considering the mountain of bland, embarrassing pap he's produced since, say...Bowfinger [above]), but hearing him dissect his and others' technique is illuminating, and I'll cut him some slack because Cruel Shoes was a huge influence on my young mind. For educational and illustrative purposes, I present the title story (it's short).

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Anna knew she had to have a new pair of shoes today, and Carlo had helped her try on every pair in the store. Carlo spoke wearily, "Well, that's it. That’s every pair of shoes in the place."

"Oh, you must have one more pair. . . .”
"No, not one more . . . . Well, we have the cruel shoes, but no one would want to try . . .
“Yes, let me see the cruel shoes!"
"No, you don't understand, you see, the cruel shoes are . . .'
"Get them!"

Carlo disappeared into the back room for a moment, and then reappeared carrying an ordinary shoebox. He took off the lid and re­moved a hideous pair of black and white pumps. But this was not an ordinary pair of black and white pumps; both were left feet, one had a right angle turn with separate compartments that pointed the toes in impossible directions. The other shoe was six inches long and was curved inward like a rocking chair with a vise and razor blades to hold the foot in place.

Carlo spoke hesitantly, ". . . Now you see . . . they' re not fit for humans . . ."

"Put them on me."
"But..."

"Put them on me!"

Carlo knew all arguments were useless. He knelt down before her and forced the feet into the shoes.

The screams were incredible.

Anna crawled over to the mirror and held her bloody feet up where she could see.
"I like them."

She paid Carlo and crawled out of the store into the street.

Later that day, Carlo was overheard saying to a new customer, "Well, that's it. That’s every pair of shoes in the place. Unless, of course, you'd like to try the cruel shoes..."

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Commence completely boring and perfunctory Diet Update for documentation purposes. Still chugging along. I've added some important things: eggs, for quick, versatile protein and variety; and coffee, for, well...coffee. No detectable downside thus far, though I do need to do a little more reading about coffee and the liver to make sure I'm not shooting myself in the...foot.

Flaxseed update: last night had another good night of taking flaxseed at 11pm, a little late, but was asleep by midnight and awake at 6:30am with no other sleep aid. Pretty good. Still haven't tried any of Stu's palatability suggestions yet, but my mom suggested a nut butter (say it with me: nut butter, nut butter, nut butter), and yes hazelnut butter makes things quite a bit better. I promise not to do these updates every day.

For the rest, I'm adding some freaky touches from Seth Roberts' blog, because, you know, sometimes I just don't seem eccentric enough. For example: I am trying not to sit down during the day. His voluminous research suggests that you will sleep better at night if you remain standing as much as possible while awake.

As anyone with a real job will tell you, "no shit." Not sitting while at home is like having a job in retail without getting paid: you're tired from being on your feet all day. But, there's also evidence to suggest that you think better while standing up and are more likely to undertake unpleasant tasks (wording? I mean vs. avoiding them). And, one thing that's definitely true is that computing kind of sucks standing up, so I'm less likely to spend extra time Googling things that don't need to be Googled in the first place.

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