by any other name.

Ok, this experiment has been brewing for a few weeks now. Today I find myself mildly hungover and have thus limited my goals for the day to 1) shower 2) grocery shopping and 3) making dinner for Moop since she's continuing her crusade to douche the upstairs (NOTE: my mother has pointed out that "douche" is not a generally understood term in this context, where it means "to clean thoroughly but with a coarse, hurried technique, as if you run a meth lab and you've been tipped that the cops are on their way").

Here is the aforementioned experimental amuse. Turns out that if you accidentally overpuree a batch of the fritter mixture it also doubles as a very mysteriously lifelike veggie burger substitute after you add a little brown rice or bulgur for texture.

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kamaboko + black-eye pea fritters with grapefruit-avocado salsa and/or garlic mayo. 

100g surimi (or possibly reversed proportions, 200g surimi and onc cup of peas)
2 cups cooked black-eyed peas, unsalted if possible
1 canned chipotle chile
1 whole scallion minus wiggly roots
2 tbsp cilantro
2 tbsp fresh mint
juice of one blood orange
1/2 tsp smoked salt, or to taste
1/4 tsp smoked paprika, or to taste

1 egg

1 grapefruit, supremed
1 avocado, chopped
1 small red onion, chopped fine
1 tbsp cilantro, chopped, torn, whatever
juice of 1 lime

1/2 cup mayo
1 clove garlic

bottled tomatillo sauce for a-drizzlin'

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Don't process the cakes too much. You could actually pulse the surimi and herbs a couple times first then add the beans and egg last, pulse it again, and fry from there.

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hemaworst.

HEMAworst, €2 @ Centraal Station. Snap for days. Smoky as all get-out, but I still reaaally wonder what these would be like on the grill.

I wouldn't eat the whole thing at once if you plan on doing anything other than sleeping or drinking afterwards...I didn't (I mean I didn't eat the whole thing, I didn't even eat the bun, nor did I sleep or drink afterwards).

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Holy shit am I busy for the next few weeks. You'll probably barely hear from me until I'm in Brussels (nine days from now) or unless I can't sleep, which, yes, is entirely possible.

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who's good.

Took a nice long healthy walk today like a good boy. Above: a view from the library. Below, mmm...somewhere on Prins Hendrikkade.

I was walking just to be walking, outside, during the day, but I had of course forethoughtedly already rewarded myself by destinationizin' wisely.

I returned home with what is probably the only reasonable approximatation of American-style pastrami in Amsterdam (just 100 grams' worth) and a mackerel. But they do have some things we should maybe get for Ameland (a petite wheel of smoked camembert, for example)...

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theeworst.

So, I go to the grocery store pretty much every day. It's kind of my one consumer-gratification outlet: we don't really buy any tangible goods these days other than food, books and DVDs. Well OK sometimes someone buys a pair of boots or an infinite reverb pedal or a replacement staff mixer, but generally speaking, grocery shopping is my one regular opportunity to "buy things".

This daily ritual means that I've probably been to our local Dirk van den Broek more than 1000 times. And somehow today was the first day I noticed something called "theeworst" (see above). Theeworst means "tea sausage", which was mysterious-sounding enough to where I had to buy some. Here's what it looks like with the lid off (brace yourselves):

Highly unappetizing. Something about its appearance is uncomfortably reminiscent of a modern sex toy called the Fleshlight (I'm not going to link to it here, but you should Google if you're not familiar with it). But yes, theeworst is essentially spreadable smoked sausage made from pork and bacon. According to Wikipedia, it originated in Poland. It tastes.........ok. Definitely of industrial origin. I bet a handmade version would be way more super.

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little smokie.

Above photo by Carl Heller, used without permission, please let me know if I should cease and/or desist. Or do something more in the spirit of Fluxus, maybe play a flute solo from inside the vagina of a living sperm whale. Just holla is what I'm saying.

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When I was little, my dad worked for Oscar Mayer. In addition to the roof over our heads, there were two primary benefits to this situation: 1) we had a large box full of toddler-sized inflatable hot dogs just sitting around the house waiting to be used for hilarious things. 2) the fridge was always stocked with smoked meat.

I wish I had access to our family's photo archive at the moment, oh the candid shots with inflatable wieners I could show you.

What made me think about all of this was remembering how excited I would get when he would bring home a package of Little Smokies:

They were these, um, pinky-sized sausages, sorry, made from turkey, chicken, and pork, and they were like candy to me. Given a choice between a Hershey's Kiss and a Little Smokie, there was no choice. There was only Little Smokie. Once I knew they were in the fridge it became difficult to think about anything else.

I seem to even remember an experimental batch from the test kitchens. They were filled with liquid processed cheddar cheese goo. Straight from the microwave? I probably don't need to tell you how good this was.

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The whole point of this story originally had to do with the smoked herring that is currently in my current fridge. I like smoked things. I like smoke, frankly. And I like herring. But for some reason I've been unable to bring myself to eat this smoked herring I've been buying. This is the third time I've bought it in the last 6 weeks and I have yet to successfully eat it before it expires (why is something smoked expiring so quickly? Good question, and I don't know the answer).

It's not like it's expensive, two euro or something, but still, you start to feel even stupider than usual after the second time you've stood sighing over the garbage can, closing the lid on an untouched piece of fish. Respect your protein and all that.

So yesterday was third time's the charm and all that shit. Tonight I managed to open the package and assemble something with it. Initial indications are that it's right in my wheelhouse if that's even a saying. This attempts to also use up the other homemade pickles that are lounging around in the fridge.

Were I to serve this to someone else I would probably add another hard-boiled egg and another tbsp of mayo. And some black pepper.

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sillsalad (smoked herring salad with caraway).

1 smoked herring filet, skinned and diced
1 granny smith apple, diced
1 pickled beet, skinned and diced
1/2 a pickled cucumber, diced
2 hard-boiled eggs, diced
1 scallion, diced
2 tbsp mayonnaise
1/4 tsp caraway seeds

Assemble, refrigerate overnight, eat. Brush teeth.

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ok ok ok.

Day Six? OK, how does this work again, blogging and recipe hunting without the internet? Oh yeah it doesn't, I guess that's the point. But what about my fucking herring?

You may address me as Petulant Knob. I must say, I've started this day out right: two cups of Earl Grey and Momofuku's steak with kimchi and ginger scallion sauce (one benefit of not planning to see another human today is the ability to destroy one's breath first thing in the morning). Breakfast of champeens. Now I go look for that herring for 5 minutes, hear me? FIVE MINUTES. OK, ten.

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(57 minutes later)

OK, I did some other work stuff too! And rescued a piece of dental floss that Jo3n was trying to swallow. And I spent some time generally de-ruffling some kitty feathers. In between, I found a nice little old-school page of pretty accurate-looking Swedish things (actual recipe text: "Clean head and singe off hair. Cut off ears and clean teeth with stiff brush. Remove brain." I should reaaaally stop eating meat), including my "spicy pickled herring" I was looking for. Unfortunately the recipe is for 40 herring filets: I have 5 (no problem, divide by 8, I know, I know, but what's 1/8 of a tablespoon?).

I found something else that kind of describes it, the ingredients are: herring, brown sugar, red onion, orange peel, vinegar, allspice, cinnamon, clove, black cumin (which may actually be caraway...the cumin/caraway confusion is rampant in Scandinavia).

This also looked good to me. Now I unplug router. See you later!

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böcklingbollar.

4 small smoked herring
2 hard-boiled eggs, chopped
1/2 tbsp butter
salt
pepper
2 tbsp butter
handful of chives, minced

Clean and fillet herring. Chop finely and mix with eggs and butter. Season with salt and pepper and form mixture into small balls. Fry golden brown in butter and garnish with chopped chives.

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pumpoaf.

It is I, returneth from the swampdom of Work, hereforth and thencewith, etc. etc. etc.

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Currently roasting bargain pumpkins and enjoying the feeling of not having a looming deadline for a while. Had a wonderful post-gig meal last night of crusty bread, cheese, and charcuterie from De Avondmarkt...felt like a well-deserved treat. Now back to vegetables and fish.

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smoked pumpkin soup with rosemary and gruyere.

pumpkin
smoke
rosemary
broth
habanero
onion
salt
pepper
possibly butter
pumpkin seeds
gruyere

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p!nk sauce.

Wanted to make some food for a boat ride today, a boat ride that may not actually happen now due to inclement weather. The food, however, is already made, and it's all pink. Not on purpose, but the intersection of my diet and the raw materials in my refrigerator led me unblinkingly down a path to pinkness. Or maybe it's Gay Pride Weekend sneaking its way into our food. The hazelnut/horseradish bit came from an idea on the BBC website, no idea why that works.

EDIT: It happened, which was nice! But I forgot my memory card for my camera. Not nice! So I could only take 6 pictures, none of which were any good. Although this picture makes it look like Mila and Jeroen are seriously concerned about something happening in the back of the boat, which I like. And there you have it.

This mackerel recipe was extremely well-received, served on melba toasts. Of course you could use any smoked fish here, but mackerel would be my first choice. I just used mackerel filets from the Dirk.

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smoked mackerel, beet, apple, horseradish, hazelnut.

2 smallish smoked mackerel filets, shredded with forks (or really, i guess anything: bullets, chinese stars, whatever you've got around the house to shred with)

1 beet, roasted, peeled, and cubed small

1 granny smith apple, cubed small

1 scallion, chopped fine

juice of one lemon

a few drops of apple vinegar

1 tbsp hazelnut oil, or more to taste (I used the oil from a jar of hazelnut butter, so YMMV)

up to 1 tbsp prepared horseradish

black pepper

tiny, tiny pinch of thyme (not sure this was detectable)

salt to taste

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smoked kale.

Just so I could stop talking about it, I made it for lunch today. And it's delicious, a really good side dish. Ze problem is...it's going to be a bitch to translate the recipe for repeatable home cooking.

Cue whiny verbiage that no one cares about: the biggest issue is that the original recipe says "salt and sugar to taste", and the only way I could get mine to taste right (and by "right", I mean like Southern-cooked greens) was to salt and sugar my individual portions after I'd filled my bowl via a slotted spoon: otherwise the salt and sugar all got lost in the pot liquid. I'm thinking I'll use less water and more butter next time, and just go for broke on salting and sugaring the cooking liquid.

Also: We have no smoker, so the dreaded Liquid Smoke was called off the bench. If you have a smoker, cold-smoking the kale for 5 minutes is the thing to do. For me, Liquid Smoke was just fine. I think it's no longer the embarrassing cheat it used to be. Unless you're a real BBQ person, and then of course you're right, it's evil.

All that said, it really was good, and so I'm going to work on it a bit. This is just a placeholder recipe until I can buy some unprocessed heads of kale this week and try it again.

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smoked kale.

50gr butter

1 onion, brunoised

5 drops liquid smoke

1 clove garlic

250gr kale (mine was pre chopped, that's how I know how much I had)

1 liter water

2 tbsp cider vinegar

lots of salt and sugar to taste

Serves, eh...4 probably.

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