mirtazapine/remeron day 130.

So it's been a while since there's been a medication update, and that's because 1) things have been pretty stable and 2) I've decided I don't want to be on this medication for the rest of my life. The sleeping is still mostly great, pretty much the best I've ever slept in my life, although last night I in fact had a horrible night of sleep, I just felt physically "weird" and my hands kept falling asleep no matter where I put them.

Also my dreams were full of 3) me running around in a videogame subdivision battling king cobras, komodo dragons and African lions, no doubt a side effect of watching Animal Planet on the treadmill at the gym, and 4) an initially very helpful pie/ice cream vendor on a bike with wonderful-looking products who talked to me for some time about exactly what I was looking for in a piece of pie/ice cream, then silently took the $20 bill I offered him and rode off without giving me any pie or ice cream. I'm pretty sure the vendor was King Krule, a pun/irony that I didn't notice until well after I typed the previous sentence.

Regarding 2) above, I feel like things have leveled out to where I understand what this drug is all about, and unfortunately I've decided I can't really deal with the physical weakness, the persistent unignorable sugar cravings and the pretty intractable emotional distance/apathy. Don't get me wrong, the emotional distance was completely necessary at the outset and all in all the past 4.5 months have been an awesome vacation from a few several years of pretty-nihilistic depression, but at the moment I have a hard time really experiencing a complete emotion, mine only seem to go up to 50% or so. And that's a bit depressing (but luckily only 50% depressing ha ha thank you we're here all week).

Thus, my short-term plan is to enlist a brain doctor to gently massage my grey matter, and then taper off of 30mg mirtazapine down to 15mg and see what happens. And for those people who are Googling "mirtazapine/Remeron" and "weight gain/loss": I managed to not gain any weight in four months, but it was a rather unfun effort. The drug definitely wanted me to double in size.


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