foxtrot. foxtrot. foxtrot.

This trip is currently being rechristened something grander and more extravagant (ed: redundant?) than Vulture Bait 2016. Whereas Vulture Bait 2015 seemed merely overly ambitious and possibly deadly, this 2016 trip seems more moronically relentless and epic in scope. Thus: not a sequel. It's like it's its very own trilogy. Hey, three "it(')s". "Stay tuned."


AMS (leaving 13:00) to ATLANTA (arriving 16:45). Pick up the car at the airport and show Cadet Elzer what real traffic is like. Head to O'Neill compound. Crash. This is all about survival, who knows if any of the below things will happen.

Seed. Supposedly the place for a modern bite out in East Cobb. It's in Merchant's Walk, where I hung out as a truant 12-year-old.
Waffle House. You know things are desperate if Waffle House is this high in the culinary pecking order.
Suburban Tap. This would be just to see a slice of my vapid personal history....though I've read you shouldn't eat here anymore.
Mountain Biscuits. I keep hearing that this is the "dead on authentic" place to get a biscuit. Maybe there will be time for a scenic trip out to the Kennesaw Mountain.

Relocating downtown. The goal is moderation and survival, that's two goals but you feel me.

Java Jive. Somewhere I used to eat breakfast kind of often, and supposedly the current possessor of a classic biscuit.
Highland Tap. Possibly the ITP bar where I've spent the most time. It used to be within walking distance, but unfortunately I also went there a lot when it wasn't. Anyway: just one martini. We'll split one.
Clermont Lounge. Just for a peek-a-loo, hope it's not cleaned itself up any now that famous people go there. I once saw a man in assless pants scat-sing the entire Free Bird guitar solo onstage there. And of course Steve's bachelor party spent some rather infamous time here (infamous not for the normal dubious bachelor party strip club reasons, but for the number of people simultaneously vomiting in the parking lot). We'll have One Beer. BRING DOLLAR BILLS.
The Porter. New and way less of an up-its-own-ass caricature than the Vortex seems to have become. Food looks great, and we'll have our second beer here, then WE'RE DONE. Or maybe we just skip to this slightly more-fun-looking place...
Wrecking Bar. This is a Durian recommendation, for "excellent beer and food." They do have arugula flowers, cashew cheese and goat feta on the menu, so probably worth a look, especially if the weather is nice. THIRD AND LAST BEER HERE.
Alon's. It was a barely-tolerable bonanza of yuppie sophistication even 20 years ago, so I can only imagine what it's like now, especially if their parking situation hasn't changed. But then I do still dream of their poppyseed danishes from time to time. Worth a look for breakfast.
Majestic Diner. O'Neill ate a pork chop off the floor here one time. And it's two steps from the hotel.
Callie's Hot Little Biscuit. Notable for being open from 10pm to 2am Friday and Saturday nights and for having a super restaurant name.


We're staying just southeast of the city, so getting downtown will probably involve our first Uber ride, which should be "fun".
Tavern at The Olde Pink House. Probably gross but probably a "real Savannah experience." We'll just have something fried and a glass of Planter's Punch.
The Grey. A Chowhound rec.
Crystal Beer Parlor. 80-year old pub that used to be the social nexus of the city, well, according to their press materials.
Green Truck Pub. This just had the kibosh gently placed upon it by Nouf who said it was "like Applebee's after a trip to the beach."
Peg Leg Pete's. Not really a destination, but if we walk past it.

MON 17 OCT to NEW SMYRNA BEACH til TUE 18 OCT, see Marine Discovery Center
Meet Biological Father (booked).  Funny story about that. Turns out that if you haven't seen your biological father in over 40 years, there's probably a good reason.

So we suddenly find ourselves with two days to, ahem, "kill" in the Shark Attack Capital of the World. I'm sorry, truly sorry if you're from New Smyrna Beach, but by all indications it is one of the least-promising cities I've ever planned a trip to.

For starters: the typography. OK I'm 35% joking. But this is typical. See the problem? And the language on the menus...exactly who is the target audience? What adult wants to order a "What the Fig?" or "Are You Chicken?" salad, or a "Tubular Torta with Shackioli"? And just how much hummus does one city really need? It's on every menu, and you know me, if the menu mentions hummus or a wok etc etc etc.

Anyway: it's possible I have some misdirected aggression I'm dealing with, sorry NSB. It's probably not you, it's me...I'm neither a desperate 14-year-old being unwillingly dragged along on a family vacation nor an acid-damaged 48-year-old surfer amused by anything, the two audiences I can imagine not having to order a Grindin' Chimichanga with Shacknaise through clenched teeth. We're just going to treat these two days as a "break".

Third Wave Cafe. By far the most adult-looking food in the hood.
The Breakers. "We'll just have a look." It's a historic landmark?

Red Iguana. I kind of think we should go directly from the airport to here, then to the hotel. Kind of seems like a "do-not-miss".

After Red Iguana, everything in my research looks like Disneyland. We know there are interesting people here because of the dangerous-sounding hotel reviews. Here are the current backup plans, but I have a feeling these should really not be used.

Whiskey Street. Ambitious gastropubby food.
Squatter's Pub. Brewpub within walking distance.
da Foco.

THU 20 OCT Drive to MOAB, Arches National Park, via US-15 to Nephi, then US-28 to Salina, then I-70 to San Rafael Swell and Green River
Ray's Tavern. Lunch stop in Green River before Arches.
Quesadilla Mobilia. The #1 restaurant in Moab is a taco truck.
Moab Brewery. Well, more research necessary. Their menu makes me a bit angry.

FRI 21 OCT Drive to BLUFF, see Monument Valley
There are 7 bars/restaurants in Bluff. None of it reeks of promise, so this would probably be a good night for a homey meal and early bed. Hence:
Comb Ridge. "Charming."

SAT 22 OCT Drive to DURANGO, see Mesa Verde Cliff Dwellings, need to figure out a plan of attack there
The Office. The "saloon" in our hotel.
Steamworks Brewing Co. Probably just a beer.
Chimayo. Looks like modern fonts haven't really made it out west, but still, this seems like it could be "above average", plus they seem to know what a vegetable is. Aaaaand, not that it means anything at all, but: TA reviews.
Joel's Bar. Sounds like "the place to meet locals."

SUN 23 OCT Drive to OURAY ("The Switzerland of America!") on Million Dollar Highway, stop at Red Mountain Pass
The most important detail about Ouray after "how much snow there will be" is that everything closes at 21:30. Thus it is of critical importance to arrive well before the dinner hour, and we should probably make a reservation.
Buen Tiempo. "Colorado Mexican."
Ouray Brewery. "Delicious beer" says Nouf.

MON 24 OCT Drive to SALIDA, see Black Canyon 
Victoria Tavern. "The Vic" is a "gritty little bar" where locals hang out. Well I've seen a couple recommendations for it.
Amicas. GF wood-fired thin-crust pizza place. supposed to be great, we'll probably need a break from southwestern food by this point anyway.

TUE 25 OCT Drive to TAOS, see Taos Pueblo
Adobe Bar at the Taos Inn. "The living room of Taos."
The Love Apple. A Zora recommendation, looks great, they only have 13 tables so reserve fucker. Cash only.

From Taos, we take a quick trip to the Rio Grande Gorge Bridge via US-64 West. Zora's article will probably prove useful at some point. 

WED 26 OCT Drive to SANTA FE
El Paragua. Possible lunch stop on the way to Santa Fe.
Pasqual's. Nouf insists that we're going here for breakfast and we will be happy to oblige.

FRI 28 OCT Drive to GALLUP, eat in Albuquerque on the way. Hit Gallup Flea Market Saturday morning. 
Everyone says Gallup is a shithole, but we will have just recently spent two days in New Smyrna Fucking Beach (kind of nowhere good to put the "Fucking", is there), so it'll be kind of a Battle of the Shitholes.

SAT 29 OCT Drive to PHOENIX, Collapse.

SUN 30 OCT PHOENIX, Continue collapsing.
MON 31 OCT PHOENIX, Halloween.
TUE 01 OCT PHOENIX, Relax. (EDITOR'S NOTE: bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahaha......snifff....sniff....bWAAAAAAAAAhahahahhaahhahaaha)
WED 02 NOV NE Leaves
FRI 11 NOV MEM Leaves


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