immediately germane.

But. And. It's really rather, I don't know, upsetting to feel so foreign and uncomfortable writing here. It underscores the seemingly paradoxical clarity with which I Have Lost My Way. Like, you''re lost, totally lost, mayday mayday, and suddenly you come upon an impossibly giant, roaring river you certainly don't remember crossing, you'd remember that wouldn't you, and then, oh look, there on the other side of it you spy exactly the place where you came from. How stupid. I was literally just having the thought "you used to have hobbies, right? Or, a hobby?"

I guess it was this, or this was one of them. How healthy, to have a hobby consisting of almost daring to write about your feelings (I guess really writing about them is what your Drafts folder in Gmail is for). Anyway, being here, I am now experiencing "conflict", or, my pretty normally conflicted state is being pushed stumbling into the spotlight, for many reasons, the most immediately germane of which is that this was (I now realize) a surprisingly important thing I did that kept me me, and now it feels impossible to do, or at the very least not very plausible. So in typical fashion I am of course deciding that the easiest thing to do would be to keep not doing it.

And, yet. Or, but. Some connective word tissue. Continuing to do nothing is not how you get to "doing something". Plus. regardless of all that, I don't think I want it to end like this. This blog. Well who would want anything to end like this, in a slow and unspectacularly repetitive death spiral of redaction, retraction, more bad action words. That's a rhetorical question about the boring death spiral. So there will be writing attempts.

And oh hey I turned 50.

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