dr. reubensteinburger.

Very weird. The apartment smells like I just made hamburgers. I feel like I just had a hamburger. And yet: what really happened was that I stumbled into some food porn last night and got a hankering for, well, p-p-p-p-protein, and one thing led to another, until.....

Well, no, not quite like that. But true, food porn last night. And today, there I was, I'm cleaning out the fridge. And I thought yeahhh there was some sauerkraut in there wasn't there, so I wondered, heyyy is there any way to combine the zhoug I made last night with sauerkraut. I meannn (ok, what is happeningggg), they both have caraway. And that made me think of the ol' tempeh reubens. So I googled the components of each in a big long search string, and one thing led to another, until.....
.......

Ok ok long story short (really?) I'm giving "all this backstory" b/c I think, well: I think I may have accidentally invented a meatless meat that doesn't taste horrible and is full of real ingredients.

Basically: make one batch of zhoug, and one batch of tempeh for tempeh reubens, in fact you prrrobably don't even need all the seasoning from the reubens I don't think, just 2 tbsp of prepared mustard and 1/4 cup of soy sauce and mwah some amount of black pepper. Then combine in a food processor to some still barely-textured mass.

Form into whatever shape you like, and fry up. Adorn with condiments, definitely Heinz ketchup, no they're not a sponsor but they sure fkn should bbeeeeee; some kind of pickle, those are homemade quick pickles. Some kind of creaminess, and wellll avocado really is an ok mayonnaise substitute in some situations. And then the red onion I just didn't have and couldn't be arsed to go get. Oh and it turns out the sauerkraut? Was moldy. I mean...yeah. Anyway: "More later."

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coyote cafe.

I know it's not cool anymore. Well it probably never was, but their current website is just kind of gross in a Women Laughing Alone With Salad kind of way, and the new menu looks like something made by one of those automatic Brookyln menu generators.

However none of that stopped me from cooking a pretty fkn marvelous vegetarian version of Mark Miller's bestest-ever recipe, Chipotle Corn Cakes last weekend. Plus a couple of other key additions. And after assembling everything, like most of the best southwestern food: you really can't say you've ever tasted anything quite like it. And yet I have zero pictures, that's why we have this leftover noir seagull attack from Texel above.

So, the procedure: I guess first you make a couple of picnic food ideas from Mark Bittman. Yes I know, not southwestern in the least. I don't know, I really thought we might go on a picnic. So I made two "salsas": one with peach, tomato, red onion, and lime, basically a ho ho ho kind of "Peacho di Gallo" I guess, yes I just fucking 1) made that up myself and 2) then said it out loud. "Shoot me." And then another one with roasted beets, blood orange, a little white wine vinegar, roasted almonds and mint. The almonds are for a little crunch that you might miss without the shrimp. Anyway, these are the garnishes.

Then you make Miller's queso fundido, which is essentially baked fresh goat cheese in a zhoomed-up poblano, tomatillo and pumpkin seed sauce he calls a pesto. I guess this whole thing is really a garnish too, but we also used it as an appetizer served with tortilla chips, and then the next day with leftover corn cakes and well yeah it just works.

Then you make the corn cake batter and chipotle butter, easy. Then you....assemble, I guess: fry up the corn cakes, and serve them with a couple slices of good ripe lightly salted avocado on top, the beet and peach garnishes, a dollop of queso fundido on the side, and a couple spoonfuls of chipotle butter drizzled on top. I know it sounds like a lot of work, but trust me, the result is a mouthful of luxury comfort. Alllllmost didn't miss the shrimp.

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texel.